Читать книгу My Wayward Pardner; or, My Trials with Josiah, America, the Widow Bump, and Etcetery онлайн

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“Wall, wall, holler away, for all I care.” He had strong reasons for not wantin’ me to speak a word about certain things, and his tone was very snappish, snappisher than it had been for over seven weeks. But such trials do great spirits no harm; no, it only lifts ’em up above their own earthly peace and happiness, and sets ’emmore firmly and stiddily on their loftier spears.

I sithed, but I didn’t contend another word with him, only jest that sithe, and then I commenced to write my book.

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JOSIAH ALLEN GOES ASTRAY.A curious World and a curious Coincidence—Realms of Mystery—Josiah Acts queer and Sits on a Volcano—“Wait till Evenin’”—Widow Bump and Her Nutcakes are Discussed—How She Ruined the Tailors—A tedious Evening and a Night of Woe—Fearful Words from the sleeping Josiah—“The real Josiah, Where was He?”—A mysterious Sign—Firm Resolves—“Pardners Must Be Watched”—Duty Tackled—Josiah Stays at Home—Samantha’s powerful Weapons victorious, and the Widow Bump Forgottenssss1KITTY SMITH AND CALEB COBB.A Visit from One of the Smiths Who is Poor and Proud—Kitty’s Secret, which Must Be Kept—Her Would-be Lover, and how She Encouraged Him—Sketch of Kellup the Hearse-driver and His Experiences with Hair dyes—Why He Didn’t Marry—Blamed by the Census-taker—How Nine Girls Lost Him—How He Killed Jane Sofier—The Death-Blow—His Warning to Women—Old Cobb and His Arguments—A Sermon by Samantha—The old, old Story Rehearsed—Kitty’s Kiss—Fun for Kittyssss1JOSIAH GOES INTO BUSINESS.Josiah, Hankering for Speculation and Neighbors, Repairs the old House and Rents It to “a beautiful Family” from Zoar—Rumors that They were Smoked out—Josiah Feels neat, and Loves to Neighbor—So Do the Spinkses, Their Cow, and Their Hens—They Borrow Feather Beds, Pantaloons, and Pork—Their Twin “Takes to Him”—He Nurses the Twin, Sleeps with the Boys, Chases the Cow, and Takes “solid Comfort”; but “Gets mad” at last, and Meditates Murder—Summary Process—Adieu to the Spinksesssss1MORALIZIN’ AND EPISODIN’.Josiah Longs for more Speculation and Comes Home “as cross as a Bear”—An Epoch of History—The new Head-dress and how It Was Bought—Caleb Cobb’s Opinions thereof, and of extravagant Members of the Meetin’-house—Samantha Rejoins, Holding up Nature Wreathed in Beauty as a Pattern, and Advocating Charity toward both the Rich and the Poor—Two Sides to Everything—Naming the Baby—Caleb Changes the Subject, and Starts off to Borrow the Stun-bolt119-151JOSIAH UNDERTAKES MORE BUSINESS.How old Ben Mandagool Made Money—Josiah Wants to do likewise, but Knowing Samantha will Object, Feels cross, Looks mauger, and at last Says He Wants to take Summer Boarders—Affection vs. Principle—Samantha Yields—Josiah Engages Boarders, and Figures out the Profits—A Competency at last!—“Get a Girl”—The Tip-toe of Expectation—Arrival of the Dankses—Tremendous Appetites—Victuals and Profits Disappear—The Secret out—More Trouble—A heavy Bill, and how he Flatted the Colt and Squshed the Grin’-stun—How They Made Ghosts and Were hard on the Tom Turkey—Night-walking and Historicks—Arrival of old Danks—The Crisis—Josiah’s Wrath—How He Scared Danks, and how Danks Scared him—Samantha Speaks of Matrimony and its Responsibilities, and Consoles all Matrimourners—A Lawsuit and its Result152-188A VISIT FROM MISS RICKERSON.A windy Day—The Simons of the Desert—Good Advice to Women—Preparing for an Emergency—“Likely Creeters”—Now and then—Vain Experiments—The miscarried Letter—“She is Coming to-day!”—Arrival of Miss Rickerson, she that Was an Allen—Her flattering Tongue—How She Scared Caleb Cobb, Extolled the Spring Corset, and made Josiah Think he was handsome—Our four old Fathers and their chilly Blue Laws—“Praise your Friends while they Are Living”—Samantha Holds firm, but Cooks good Victuals, and Does well by Alzina Annssss1CASSANDRA’S TEA PARTY.History of Cassandra and her Misfortune—History of her bashful Husband, Nathan Spooner—Some of his Adventures and Experiences—How he Went hungry to Please Himself, and Feasted to Please Others—How he Courted CassandraCassandra—Scenes at the Wedding—The Tea-party, and how Alzina Entertained Nathan—“The Image of his Pa”—At the Tea-table, and how Nathan Said Grace—Untimely Remarks—Samantha to the Rescue—After Supper—Alzina Walks with Cassandra in the Garden—She Slanders Josiah and Calls him a “humbly Creeter”—Samantha Appears on the Scene—A Tableau—Sarcastic Remarks about People who Take Liberties with their Friends—Alzina’s Confession—The Walk homeward205-229THE LORDS OF CREATION.Josiah Is proud and tickled because he Is a Man—His Opinion of “Wimmen”—What old Error Would do if They Made the Laws, and where York State Would Be—Samantha Points out a Monument of Man’s Economy and Wisdom with Her new Tow-mop—A Reminiscence—Under the Meetin’-house Shed—Guilt Arrayed in festal Robes to Lure the Unwary230-240A EXERTION FOR PLEASURE.Josiah’s new “Idee,” which Samantha Discourages—The Folly of Chasing Pleasure—Exertion to the Lake Resolved on—Caleb Sacrifices his own Pleasure for the Welfare of the Fair Sect—He Is not Their Natural Enemy, but Can’t Marry Them all—Preparations—Early to Bed—Visitors, and a Conference Meetin’—“Galluses and Night Caps”—A Wild Night—Dreams—Josiah Wears T. Jefferson’s Uniform—The Start—Arrival at the Lake—How Twenty Old Fools “Sot Sail”—Overboard—Sea-sick and weak as Cats—On the Sand-Beach—Demoralized Vittles—Wasps and Muskeeters—Histing an Umbrell—Josiah Meets with Two Accidents, and Retires to Meditate—A Search for Josiah—Josiah Wears a Shawl and Looks meachin’—The Return to the Main-land, and Ride Homeward in the Rain—The Rheumatiz Takes Hold—“Is this Pleasure, Josiah Allen?”241-269A VISIT TO THE CHILDREN.“The Croup Is around”—A Slave to Conscience—Caleb Enquires about Kitty’s Health, and Decides that He May Marry Her—Why He Did not Write to Her, and why He Wore old Clothes—A Funeral at Log London—A Load of Company—The Start for Jonesville—Thomas J. and Maggie—Providence and the Weather—Arrival at Whitfield’s—A pretty Sight—Portraits of little Samantha Joe and Her Pa and Ma—The Sun and Sunflower—The Kiss of Welcome—A Talk with Tirzah Ann, Who Says They Are Going off for Rest and Pleasure—“Miss Skidmore Is Going, and all genteel People Go”—Samantha’s Advice, “Better Let Well Enough Alone,” is Rejected—Who need a Change of Scene and who do not—The Stiff-necked Miss Skidmore—Who Leads the Jonesville Aristocracy?—How Samantha Prescribed for her, and Was Winked out—“Burdock Won’t Help Her”—Proud Keturah Allen—Samantha’s Ideas of People who Put on Airs and Feel above Her270-302TIRZAH ANN TO A WATERIN’ PLACE.How Tirzah Ann, Whitfield, and Samantha Joe, Went off for Rest, and how they Came back as poor as 3 Snails—Tirzah’s Story of her Experiences and Wrongs at Miss Skidmore’s Tavern—How She Resolved at Starting to outdo the Skidmores—How they Rested and Recreated—Midnight in the fourth Story of a Waterin’ Place—The young Man who Was Crossed in Love, and the young Maiden Who Owned a Melodeon—Wails of Woe—How the Baby Was Skairt into the Historicks—Bathin’, deep Water, Cramps and Drowndin’—Pulled out by the Hair—Too much Mineral Water—How Whitfield Played Polo (a Game Josiah Wants to Play) and Was Hit by a base Ball—How He Danced too much, and Got Disabled—Evenin’ Parties, Dancin’ and Flirtin’—The Worst of All; Tirzah’s dreadful Confession, Which must be Kept a Secret; “She Flirted with a Man!”—About Her Trouble with Whitfield in consequence, how He Was jealous, and how a Separation Was imminent—“Such Doins!”—Piles of Money Spent, and Morals Totterin’—Bought Wit is the best303-329MISS BOBBET LETS THE CAT OUT.An old Acquaintance—Sorrows of Her domestic Life, and her great Consolation—The Dignity of Marriage—Simon’s horrible Horrors—A Present for Betsey—A Summer Evening’s Scene—Josiah and the high-tide Level of Love—The Stranger in the Kitchen—How He Looked, and What He Said—Why He didn’t Set down—He Calls for some Cider, and Persisting in his Demands, is Driven from the House at the Point of Samantha’s Umberel—Tobacco, and why People Use it—A Visit from Betsey, who Says the Intruder is Elder Judas Wart, Who is Sealed to Widder Bump, who has been Forwarded to Utah by Express—Betsey Tells about his disabled Wives, and about the Mormon Meetin’s in Jonesville—Shocking Disclosures—“Bobbet Went to ’em and so did Josiah Allen!”—Fearful Words—Samantha Groans aloud, and Feels Wicked—The Mormon Wimmen’s Appeal to Emily (She that was a Webb) and Samantha—A Woman to be proud of—Direlection in Duty—Samantha’s firm Resolve to be up and Doin’—She Hankers to Tackle Elder Wart and America, and Gets madder and madder330-354A SERENADIN’ EPISODE, ETC.Betsey Bobbet’s new Poem, Entitled “A Wife’s Story,” and Published in the Gimlet—She Laments her Wedded Life and (although proud to Think she Married Simon) “to be a Widder is her Theme”—“Husbands are Tryin’,” and Simon’s Loss would be Betsey’s Gain—The pathetic Story of E. Wellington Gansey who Came from the Ohio to Visit his Childhood’s Home—He is Welcomed by His early Playmates, Has a good Time, and Resolves to Move back to Jonesville—Josiah and Others Are so elated that They Go to Serenade Him—Samantha, Left alone in the House, Has exciting Experiences—She Hears Noises, Gets Skairt, and Expects to be Burgled and Rapined—She is finally Appeared to and Talks with the Ghost—Poor Tamer Mooney and Her horrible Words—“Bloody Indians, Yells, and Tomyhawks!”—Rousting the Neighbors—Reappearance of Josiah—What Hit Him—What Hit Old Bobbet—What Hit the Editor of the Augur—What Hit Old Gansey, etc.—Eliab leaves His Childhood’s Home, and Starts for the Ohio by the first Train355-396JUDAS WART AND SUFFERIN’ WOMEN.Josiah has a Stitch, Comes in on a Broom-handle, and is Made comfortable—The Elder Wart also Comes in, Seems dreadful Tickled, and Makes some complimentary Remarks—Josiah Overhears them, and Forgets his “Stitch”—Samantha Rescues the Elder, who, in retaliation, Twits Josiah about “a certain Widder” to whom He Had Been partial—Josiah Denies the Imputation and Gets luny—His strange Hallucination, and Memories of his Childhood—Samantha, being again “Approached” by the Elder, Gets mad and Threatens him with the Tea-kettle—He Wants to “Argue,” and Samantha Tackles Him—What Mormons Worship—Who they Rob and Murder—What they Covet, and Get, too—The Wretchedness of Mormon Wimmen, and especially of Wife No. 1—Ruined Morals—Beelzebub’s own Timber—A Voice from Old Babylon and the Turkey—No Acquaintance with Thalos and Mr. Plato—The Elder Gets “Sassy,” and Samantha Declares She Will Appeal to her Uncle Samuel, who, though a little distracted and run down by his domestic Troubles, Can and Will Stop Mormonism—The Elder’s parting Shot, which Josiah Resents by an Attack in the Rear—“A skairter Man never Lived”397-469A CRISIS WITH KELLUP.Kitty Departs, and Kellup Calls to See her 5 Minutes afterward—He is greatly Depressed—“Wimmen is what’s the Matter”—He is sorry for Kitty, and says he will Write to her—On Reflection he Authorizes Samantha to tell her he Will Marry her whether or no, even if She is poor—Remembring Sofier’s Fate, he “Dassent” do an Errand at Marier’s House—A Visit from Cassandra and her young Babe—How Nathan Treated his Heir—A mysterious Decree—Thrillin’ News—Kitty Smith Disappears from the Scene—So Does Miss Smith the Elder—So Does Wart (the Elder)—So Does Kellup and the Hearse—A pastoral Scene—Samantha, Reclining by the Brook-side, Listens to a Bird as he Sings and Swings; Watches the Sky and Golden-rod Reflected in the Stream; Meditates on the Old and the New, the Steadfast and the Changing; and Thinks how swift the Water is a Runnin’ toward the Sea470-490