Читать книгу The Daughter of a Soldier: A Colleen of South Ireland онлайн

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"Yes, Maureen."

"But we are down here, at present," said Maureen, "so we must do with this little bit of the earth, and I'm just awfully happy when I'm with you and Dom. Now I want to tell you all the funny stories I can think of. I want to make you laugh. Do you know that I'm studying French very hard, and I came across such a strange bit the other day. It was about the funniest story I ever read. May I try and tell it to you—only I won't be able to do it any sort of justice?"

"Yes, tell it to me, Maureen, my blessing."

"Well, I'll do my best. There was James the Sixth of Scotland, who of course, you know, became James the First of England, but this queer story happened when he was only James the Sixth of Scotland. Well, of course, he was a great king and lived in great state, and one day who should visit him but an Ambassador from the great Court of Spain. The Ambassador wore magnificent clothes, and the King was greatly taken with him and talked very big to him, and tried to make out that Scotland was a much better country than Spain; but the Ambassador did not believe him, so he said, 'I see, your Majesty, that you are surrounded by courtiers and professors of all sorts, but I don't see anywhere a Professor of Signs.' Well, of course, King James was dreadfully puzzled, but he was not going to give in, not for a minute; so he said at once, 'Our great University is at Aberdeen, and of course we have a Professor of Signs there.' 'That is most interesting,' said the Ambassador, 'and I should much like to see him.' 'You shall,' said the King. 'You shall go to Aberdeen to-morrow and see the Professor of Signs.' Then the King called his learned men around him and sent one of the most learned to Aberdeen to arrange that at the University there should be a Professor of Signs dressed in academic robes ready to meet the Ambassador from Spain. He came back early in the morning and told the King it was all right. He said they had found a one-eyed butcher who was something of a wag, and that they had induced him to come to the University and meet the Ambassador from Spain. So the one-eyed butcher went and sat in his chair of state in his beautiful robes, and by-and-by the Ambassador from Spain arrived, and the other professors came out to welcome him, and they said to him how proud they were to meet so great and distinguished a man. 'But,' said the Ambassador, 'I particularly want to see your Professor of Signs.' 'Oh, that's all right,' said the professors; 'he is waiting for you in the next room.' They took him in and left him alone with the Professor of Signs. The Professor glowered at him, but didn't utter a word. The Ambassador, however, went boldly up and raised one finger and pointed to the Professor of Signs. Instantly the Professor of Signs took two fingers and shook them in the face of the Ambassador, whereupon the Ambassador took three fingers and held them very close to the Professor of Signs. Then the Professor of Signs got very red, and he clenched his great brawny fist and shook it violently at the Ambassador. The Ambassador immediately went up to him and offered him a large orange. The Professor of Signs pushed the orange away, thrust his hand into his pocket, and pulled out a lump of oat-cake. After that the Ambassador went into the next room. 'Well,' said the professors, who were waiting in great anxiety, 'how did you get on?' 'Wonderful!' said the Ambassador, 'too wonderful, I could not have believed it if I had not seen it. When I went in I held up one finger to show him there was one God, whereupon he instantly held up two to me, in order to remind me that there was the Father and the Son. I then held up three to him to show that I recognised the Trinity, whereupon he clenched his mighty fist and showed me that he agreed with me. I then offered him a beautiful orange to show him how the good God gives us of the fruits of the earth, but he—he did better than that—he rejected the orange and offered me oat-cake, the sustenance of man, his life. Oh, it was marvellous!' So the Ambassador went back highly pleased to the Court of King James I, but when he was well on his homeward journey, the professors rushed into the room where the butcher was seated, and they said to him, 'What do you think of the Ambassador; how did you get on with him?' 'What did I think of him,' said the one-eyed butcher. 'I tell you he was a mocking scoundrel, and I was all but taking his life. He came in to me and pointed a finger at me to show that I had but one eye, but I shook two fingers at him to show that my one eye was as good as his two. Then he pointed three fingers at me, as much as to say that he was the better man; but I doubled my fist in his face, and then he brought me a bit of fruit from his country—an orange—a common orange; and I showed him what we men of Scotland live on—oat-cake, the staff of life.'"